Fantastic Funny Free Theater Scripts by Jeannette Jaquish

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Contact Jeannette and read Free Script Rules.
See THE REST of Jeannette's scripts www.theaterfunscripts.com

Hi! I am Jeannette Jaquish and I write great scripts. Every actor gets good lines. My scripts have action-packed plots with ridiculous, sometimes edgy humor, suspense and danger, and often twist endings.

If you need your script altered -- characters added, length changed, edgy parts made mild -- JUST ASK! and I will probably do it free or approve your change.

I give you these free script because I know what it is like to have zero budget and too little time, and a hodge-podge of actors, perhaps some of whom do not want to be there. Give them a fun challenge and you will get best results.

Produce these free simpler, shorter scripts, and soon you will have an experienced troupe to move up to my affordable, more complex scripts like Wizard of Oz, The Frog Prince, Don't Look in the Lake, Dr. Frankenstreudel's Lemon Fresh Laboratory of Horrors and LOTS more.

Often the script includes Tech Notes, poster art, and for a reasonable price music on CD or thumb drive or internet delivered.

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The Spoiled Baloney Man <--Click here!
(That cycle of life and death really stinks.)
a fractured fairy tale by Jeannette Jaquish
based on The Stinky Cheese Man - but better!
ACTORS: 8 or 12
-------- 8 = 3 puppets or actors + 5 actors
--------12 = 3 puppets or actors + 9 actors
LENGTH: 25 minutes. 1 scene. Simple-medium tech complexity
COST: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. See easy details. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.
QUOTE: "Not a pretty picture, or smell, when BALONEY GOES BAD! Raised by bacteria in a cold microwave oven. Would love, color and stimulation in its childhood have made a difference?" -- Frog



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-- OUR MOST POPULAR SCRIPT! --
Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods <--Click here!
 A scary and ridiculous tale of a boy and girl stranded in the woods, meeting a hungry witch, and surviving a bumbling batch of rescue dwarves. Optional scary song and forest creatures.
FREE script by Jeannette Jaquish

TRANSLATED into French, Norwegian, and Bi-Lingual Turkish-English, and Any Language & English.
MORAL: Don't let your kids drive you CraaAAAzy!
CAST: 11 to 30 actors. Parents, Kids, Witch, Forest Creatures(?), Dwarves & 2 Rescuers. LENGTHS: 15 TO 30 minutes long.


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Pippsi Longknickers Free Tea Party scene
"Spelling bee award? How nice! Now you can hold your head up high around the prettier girls." -- Mrs. Belittleton

<--Click on Pippsi for Free Tea Party scene!
inspired by Pippi Longstockings by Astrid Lindgren
theater script adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
~Freckled bombshell bullies gooses high society.~

CAST: Pippsi, Cody, Cheyenne, Monkey, Horse, Lots of Society Ladies, Cody & Cheyenne's Mother
Actors:11
Length: 15 minutes?

TECH: Nothing special. Thrift store costumes, except Horse & Monkey; Horse costume instructions. Set drawing included.
"Once Grandma's maid stole her grand piano but she had no place to hide it so she dragged a carpet over it and told Grandma that the house's foundation was settling unevenly!" -- Pippsi in the Tea Party scene
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Snow White and the Eco-Disaster Dwarves
a funny fairytale with an environmental message, by Jeannette Jaquish
Click on Apple for Free Script!-->

CAST: 4, Snow White and Three Odd Dwarves
LENGTH: About 5 minutes.
PRICE: FREE if you tell the playwright.
A catchy easy to learn short play about abusing the forest. For all ages to watch. Actors age 7 on up.
Excerpt:
DIGGER - I'm Digger.
DUMPER - I'm Dumper.
CHOPPER - I'm Chopper Downer.
SNOW WHITE - Those are funny names. I thought you'd be named Bashful or Happy or Sneezy.
DIGGER - Oh, they moved out long ago.
DUMPER - Yeah, when the forest was still green.
CHOPPER - They left some nice furniture.

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Fairy Tales on the Mars Frontier <--Click here!
Real science theater script by Jeannette Jaquish
(Fairy tales evolve as pioneer parents on Mars teach values and survival to their kids.)
Uses real scientific data about how humans will terra-form and colonize Mars!
Actors: 11 to 35 Actors can play multiple parts.
Length: 35 minutes. 3 small scenes within one long scene. Medium tech complexity.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Using Free and Not-Free Scripts. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.
QUOTES:
"Is your dome strong? Mine blew in!"
"My dome sits low below the crater. Aluminum cover like a baked potater." -- Pigs 1 & 2

"Can you stop this purple plague?" / "Stand back and be amazed!"
"I don't know about this piper." / "She is weird." / "And very hyper." -- Townspeople and The Pied Piper
"This is the dome, resistant to shock, Built by the man who crushed the rock,
That lay on the surface of Red Mars." -- Rock Song



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If Shakespeare had Written the Theory of Relativity <--Click for script!
Shakespeare's classic lines adapted into a swashbuckling debate on relativity.
an educated farce by Thomas Jaquish

COST: FREE!
CAST: Prince Albert, Zhugaid, Arshay, and two gossipy chambermaids.
PROPS & FURNITURE: Period costumes or something close, two champagne glasses, two knives or swords for a mock battle.
LENGTH: About 25 minutes. DIFFICULTY: It is Shakespeare. The lines are hard. Tech is easy.
Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

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Kiss the Brown Bunny<--Click here!
an actors & puppets script
by Jeannette Jaquish
(The flirty Cockroach bets grumpy Spike the dog that three people will kiss her in three minutes.)
<-- shown here: Folkmanis cockroach puppet.
ACTORS: 2 puppets, 3 actors
You may RENT THE PUPPETS from the author.
Length: 8 minutes. 1 scene. Very simple tech complexity.
PUPPETS:Acquiring Folkmanis cockroach puppet and Percy the Dog (from Pocohontas) is tricky. Rent them from the author. Details on script page.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement.
Easy Rules for Free Scripts.
QUOTES:
"Cockroach: Even cockroaches have feelings and mine are hurting... Snuggle???
Spike the Dog: Get away from me you filthy insect! Go snuggle in a garbage disposal!"

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The Monkey's Paw, by W. W. Jacobs <-- Click for script!
adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
The classic story of wishes gone bad..
Cast: Old man, old woman, grown son or daughter, Sergeant-Major Morris, Visitor from Maw & Meggins.
Length: 18 minutes.
Tech: 4 scenes. Simple set and costumes. Some quick but simple set changes.

Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

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SPANISH & ENGLISH BI-LINGUAL TRANSLATIONS
There is a Fly in my Soup! / Hay Una Mosca in Mi Sopa!" <--Click here!
a Spanish & English script by Jeannette Jaquish
Cost: FREE
Scripts alternate Spanish with English so a person speaking either language can understand, and also learn the other language.
Quotes:
FATHER: Waiter! You have your thumb in my soup!!!
WAITER: (wiping thumb on napkin) Me fama? Gracias, Senor, pero las sopa no es caliente. (Exits)
FATHER: Thank you but it's not hot! I don't believe it! His dirty thumb was in my soup!
SON: Esta limpia, ahora.
FATHER: Ewwww! You eat. I'm not hungry now.
SON: (spits out first taste) Bleccchh!!
FATHER: Que pasa?
SON: There is a fly in this soup!
FATHER: Una mosca en tu sopa!!! Terrible!!
WAITER (Returns, placing bill on the table): La cuenta.
SON: MESERO! ESTA UNA MOSCA EN MI SOPA!
WAITER: Fly in your soup??? Is that a problem? Are you a vegetarian?!



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-- LITTLE ORPHANT ANNIE <--Click for script
by James Whitcomb Riley
adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
FREE - print it off from this website!
Get permission to perform just by notifying the author by email.
MORAL: Get kids to behave by scaring the geewhilikers out of them.
CAST: 7 children, 3 or 5 older actors.
--This is the folk poem about boogeymen, NOT Annie singing "Tomorrow! Tomorrow!" with Daddy Warbucks!
<--Image from http://www.cs4fn.org/vision/usingthedarkside.php

EXCERPT:
CHILD 1: And little Orphan Annie says, when the blaze is blue, And the lamp wick sputters, and the wind goes woo-oo!

CHILD 2: And you hear the crickets quit, and the moon is gray, And the lightning bugs in dew are all squenched away –

CHILD 3: You better mind your parents, and your teachers fond and dear, And cherish those who love you, and dry the orphan’s tear,

CHILD 4: And help the poor and needy ones who cluster all about,
Or the Gobble-ins will get you
CHILDREN: If You Don’t Watch Out!

Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

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THE WAY I REMEMBER IT <--Click for script,
a fun kids play by Jeannette Jaquish
FREE - print it off from this website!
Get permission to perform just by notifying the author by email.
MORAL: Being mean makes more meanness.
CAST: 6 or more boys and 6 or more girls, 2 more kids, an older man and woman, and maybe a mom, an optional chorus of kids, plus 1 or 2 prop assistants.
SUMMARY: Little Jamie gets Grandma and Grandpa to tell the story of how they met as children, with two very different and funny perspectives.
Image of Calvin and Suzie by Bill Waterson

Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

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Are You Smarter Than a 4-H'er? (or Insert your Organization Here!)
A FREE 4H contest skit script to adapt to your organization.
CAST: 7 to 11 kids.
LENGTH: About 12 minutes.
TECH: Easy: desks, podiums (made of boxes), a flip chart.
SUMMARY A parody of the popular game show with JiffyPop Foxwabbit, Helping Hand Students, Demonstrators and Question Flippers, and a Suspicious Contestant. Can be used in 4H drama or video projects or adapted for other groups.

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Short Skits & Easy Plays for Kids <--Click for skits!
comedy skits & scripts by Jeannette Jaquish
with links to those by other authors.
Cost: FREE.
Skits for 2 or more actors. 30 seconds to 10 minutes. From Easy to Medium difficulty
The Way I Remember it
Nutty Nursery Rhymes
Flight of the Vultures
Hansel & Gretel -- Kindergarten Level - Very Fun!
Dino Puppet Jokes
Cereal Killer
Before Eve met Adam
Restaurant skit
Muppet Veterinarian's Hospital
Knock-Knock Jokes - Scout Skits - Joke Skits

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3 FREE SCENE BOOKS!
<-- Click to see List of Scenes for All Three Books!
In 3 age groups: ~ Age 6 to 8 .~*~. Age 8 to 13 .~*~. Age 13 and older ~
Kids love to read scenes and put on little performances. Great for teachers, camp leaders and home schoolers!
<--Click on image to get the PDF files FREE. No charge for the download, copying, distributing or performing!
Or ORDER for Christmas or Birthday!
A Talking Frogs CD Collection makes a GREAT Gift!!
For teachers, activity leaders, scoutmasters, homeschoolers and parents.

ORDER All 3 "Talking Frogs" Scene Books on pdf files on one CD ready to print out.
PRICE: $10 each CD in a case; add $3 for gift-wrapped with a note. POSTAGE to the US included and mailed by next day.


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Funny Songs to Perform <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
with links to songs by other authors.
Some Titles:
Your Mama Don't Wear No Socks
The Hilarious Intermission Song:

"Sodas full of caffeine; Your heart pounds like a freight train,
Let's go to the lobby and have little snack..."
Gilbert and Sullivan Spoof Songs . . . and more!

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"Witches, Goblins, Ghosts and Ghoulies"
Song and piano sheet music. Free!


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OTHER FREE SCRIPTS
 Link to LOTS of Classic Old Free Radio Scripts. Mysteries, adventures, comedy, super heroes: Green Hornet, The Shadow, Sherlock Holmes, Superman-Batman mysteries, Suspense, XMinus 1, You Can’t do Business with Hitler, Baby Snooks, Father Knows Best, Blondie . . . "

Playhouse of the Damned, by Richard Nathan -- funny spooky scripts. -- For free NON-COMMERCIAL use. Otherwise, contact him for permission.

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CLICK!:
www. TheaterFunScripts.com
- Witty Energetic Scripts - Free & Low Cost!
All Types, All Ages -- All Great!
-Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice ~ The sssPOOF!
-The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
-The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat, including a Jr. version
-Slipperzzzz! Cobb and the 12 Dancing Princesses
-Alice in Wonderland
-Who Framed Lucky the Leprechaun?
-Don't Look in the Lake!
-It’s a GOOD Life, by Jerome Bixby, scifi award winner
-The Spoiled Baloney Man
-Hansel and Gretel and the Creepy Woods
-A Christmas Carol . . . . . and Dozens More plus all of the above and Links!


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Email: funantics.scripts@yahoo.com