ZOOM Adapted --- The Damsel Game- Tech Notes
© 2013 – 2020 by Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com
This play may not be performed without permission of the author.
This ZOOM script is also available as a regular stage script.
Please credit the music by printing this in your playbill/program:
"The Dating Game theme song" is composed by Charles Hirsch Barris and David N. Mook.
Jeopardy's "Think" music is composed by Merv Griffin and is downloaded from nifter.com.
Both are used as parody which is an exception to copyright law.
ARTWORK: Sign saying “The Damsel Game” is emailed with the script. Reprint or paint it larger.
TIME: 11 to 12 minutes not including intro or bows.
CAST of 6 “onstage” actors -- Other cast size variations exist.
-- HOST A- Rumplestiltskin, Witch Warty Nose, Opera Windy, Alex Tree-Breath , or Casta Spell, etc.
-- HOST B - (One person can play both Hosts.)
-- PRINCE CHARMING (conceited, flirty ) -
Damsels are all gentle and sweet at first, but showing a crazy side
-- SNOW WHITE (sweet, desperate to get out of the Dwarves House) -
-- CINDERELLA (obsessed with cleaning, though she says otherwise) -
-- RAPUNZEL (conceited about her hair, sarcastic teen) –
-- OFFSTAGE AUDIENCE VOICES (make funny voices)-
FRAMING THE SHOTS – Make sure that when characters are finally all settled “onstage” that they are framed similarly, so one damsel isn’t in a closeup while another is in a wide shot. So determine distances in rehearsal. The Damsels images should be positioned so when they speak to each other, their image turns toward that Damsel’s displayed box.
ENTRANCES & ZOOM BOXES – If possible, put Host(s) and Prince on one horizontal row and the Damsels on their own row. Mute characters not “onstage” or train them to be quiet.
OFFSTAGE METHODS - You can keep offstage characters in a Zoom Waiting Room, or have their boxes displayed while they stand off camera waiting to enter on cue, and muted or quiet until their cue. Another option is to have Damsels displayed from early on with paper bags with eyeholes over their heads, and they pull them off as they are introduced. If Prince is seen from the start he needs to be wearing ear muffs and a black blindfold (which the actor can actually see through). If he only is seen on his entrance, he wears the blindfold, not the earmuffs, plus chains.
TO SEE COSTUMES & SHOW PHYSICAL ACTING - Set each actor’s computer camera so there is enough room behind them that they can enter the frame from far enough away that we can see a costumed body shot. They walk toward the camera and settle into their sitting or standing position in more of a close up shot. In their acting, they can stand and step away on camera to do full body physical acting, but they have to speak up if the microphone is on the computer.
SET & Backgrounds for each character
Decide each actor’s location, and have them set up the “scenery” behind them.
Damsels wearing princess dresses, can either be at their own home or on the set with game background.
HOSTS – Are on the game studio set. Deco shapes and Damsel Game Logo , 1970’s style deco. Fairytale costumes mixed with hippie styles like a wide flowered tie, flower headband, loose crazy hair…
SNOW WHITE – If not on game set: In the 7 Dwarves Forest Home. 7 caps, mugs, spoons, hanging on wall, broom and mop leaning against back wall, candle, cooking pot, apple,
CINDERELLA – If not on game set: Cleaning stuff: broom, spray bottle, fancy dresses hanging. Has a fake song bird on her finger (craft store) and can be spraying and wiping during her shots.
RAPUNZEL - If not on game set: Inside Tower: Stone wall or tapestry hanging. Long hair that she constantly brushes, and twirls, and a braid she swings threateningly.
PRINCE – If not on game set: Is in his castle or outside in forest with trees (undecorated Christmas tree, fake plants). He enters wearing a black cloth blindfold so the Prince cannot see the Damsels (but the actor can see through it).
THIS IS THE EFFECT YOU ARE AFTER - A television show set. Colored lights on wall, geometric shape shadows, 1970’s style deco: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkrY2XPF35Q
A big logo sign that says “The Damsel Game” with Christmas lights around it, on the wall.
On one side is one stool for the Bachelor, on the other side are three stools for the Bachelorettes.
The DAMSELS do not like each other so they should
show jealousy or make faces at each other.
PROPS: spray bottle, towel, crafts fake bird,
loooong wig with braid, chains, tickets, bell, toy frog.
====================================================================== ZOOM - The Damsel Game - for 6 actors a Zoom comedy script by Jeannette Jaquish
© 2013-2015, Zoom version ©2020 Jeannette Jaquish
www.theaterfunscripts.com
This play may not be performed without permission of the author
Please credit the music by writing this in your end credits or have it spoken at the end of your show:
"The Dating Game theme song" is composed by Charles Hirsch Barris and David N. Mook.
Jeopardy's "Think" music is composed by Merv Griffin and is downloaded from nifter.com.
Both pieces of music are used here as parody which is an exception to copyright law.
-----------------------------------------------------
(TV Studio Set: splash daisy-like colored pieces on solid background, sign, simple, colorful)
MUSIC: “Dating Game Theme Song” (by Charles Hirsch Barris and David N. Mook)
(HOSTS ENTER – Can read from cards included with script)
HOST A - From the land of enchanted forests and slimy lake monsters,
HOST B- flame-spitting flying lizards and The Black Plague....
HOST A - From the culture that brought you “the last one alive inherits the throne”
HOST B - and the worst typecasting of step-parents and step-sisters ever....
HOST A - Greetings and Salivations to all you Lords, Ladies
OFFSTAGE – (polite clapping),
HOST A - and (gesture up) the Babbling Rabble in the Rafters!
OFFSTAGE – (rude) – Ooh Oooh (Tarzan yelling and chest beating)
HOST A - It’s . . . .
HOST A& B - The Damsel Game!
(Music Louder, applause. Music Down but continuing. . . )
HOST B - Thank you Johnny O’Banter and his motley orchestra of indentured minstrels.
OFFSTAGE - Set us free! My seven years were up 20 years ago! I’ve forgotten my real name!
(Applause - MUSIC Louder for a moment, then back to normal)
HOST A - We are your hosts. I am: Name
HOST B - and I am: Name
If this is your first time watching The Damsel Game let us explain how it works.
HOST A - On this show three charming young damsels will be interviewed by one lonely handsome prince...
HOST B - Who is not allowed to see them until after he has chosen one to be his Dream Date.
However, as usual, in the 3rd thru 14th centuries, the Pestilence du jour is happening, so our game players are keeping themselves,
HOST A - And their fleas, oozing pustules and deadly miasmas…
HOST A & B - Far away from us!
HOST A - Let’s meet them now! Our 1st Dazzling Damsel-- Come on out!
(SNOW WHITE ENTERS with a small fake bird on her finger, smiling and twirling)
Her lovely voice is often heard singing with the birds she loves. Let us hear your beautiful voice, my dear!
SNOW WHITE (out of tune) - La la la la . . . ( Or “I know you, I’ve walked with you once upon a dream”)
HOST B (cringing) - Indescribable.
HOST A - This capable girl can set the table and cook up a meal for 7 hungry mouths plus herself! She has known a lot of very short men and would love to date a fellow she can look up to. You know her name, she is . . . . (give audience a chance to holler the answer)
OFFSTAGE – Grandma Keebler? Mama Smurf?
HOST A - Snow White! Have a seat, Snow White! Our Damsel Number One!
(SNOW WHITE sits and pets her bird, smiling sweetly.)
HOST B - Our 2nd Dazzling Damsel -- Come on out!
This lovely lady loves to dance, especially ballroom dancing...
(CINDERELLA ENTERS and dances in swirls)
Look at that grace and elegance! Her house is spotless because she loves scrubbing and cleaning!
CINDERELLA (stops dancing, snarls, grabs mop and threatens camera) - No I don’t! I hate scrubbing and cleaning! They always make me do it! (instantly goes back to dreamy dancing with the mop)
HOST B - Um, . . . And she is known throughout the land as having the smallest most dainty feet . . . Let’s see those dainty feet, my dear. . .
(CINDERELLA holds up a foot close to the camera.)
HOST A – (Gasp!) A bit of artistic license there by the Brothers Grimm . . .
HOST B - Woohoo! You’d need a crystal mailbox to fit that foot. (ahem!) Our damsel enjoys riding in enchanted pumpkins, and visiting dress shops with her Fairy Godmother. She is a good hearted gal, and looking for a fine upright young prince to sweep her off her feet.
CINDERELLA (stops dancing) - I hate sweeping!
HOST B - Um. . . . to take her dancing on their Enchanted Date! You know her name . . . it’s . . . . . . . Cinderella!
(Applause! CINDERELLA curtseys and tosses mop aside.)
HOST B - Have a seat, Cinderella our Damsel Number Two!
(CINDERELLA goes to her seat and sprays & wipes before sitting. )
HOST A - Have we saved the best for last? You be the judge: Our Damsel Number Three, Come on out!
(RAPUNZEL ENTERS stroking and twirling her long hair, smiling and batting her eyes at the audience.)
HOST B - Just awakened from a 100 year sleep, our lovely lady is eager to learn about this new 18th century with a handsome prince to show her around. . .
RAPUNZEL - That’s not me!
HOST B - Huh? You’re not...
RAPUNZEL - Sleeping Beauty. I’m not Sleeping Beauty. (points backstage) She’s snoring her head off backstage.
CINDERELLA - Oh, yeah! They poured a bucket of ice water on her.
SNOW WHITE - Still sleeping! (Snooooore!)
HOST B - Then how. . . .did you. . . . ?
RAPUNZEL - I’m a back-up damsel.
HOST B - Back-up Damsel. Back-up damsel. Where are my back-up damsel cards?
(Panicky, pretends to thumb through cards, but it is really the next one)
HOST A - Our apologies, Lords and Ladies . . . and Rabble, I beg your forgiveness for this unforeseen note-card malfunction. So my dear, what is your name?
RAPUNZEL (holding up hair) - Duh, figure it out!
HOSTS A & B - Uh. . . (looks to audience )
OFFSTAGE – Mrs. Samson? Lady Godiva?
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE - Rapunzel!
HOST A (flipping through cards) - Rapunzel, Rapunzel, wherefore art thou Rapunzel . . . Here it is! (finds the card) A successful entrepreneur with her own line of hair care products, and neck strengthening workout videos, this young lady has no fear of heights having grown up imprisoned in a tower. She has won many awards for her singing.
RAPUNZEL - I can yodel 10 kilometers!
HOST A - And she loves green salads.
RAPUNZEL - I HAVE to HAVE them! (crazier. . . ) Leafy Greens! Greens! Greens!
HOST A - You know her name . . . she’s . . . .
RAPUNZEL, CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE - We already did that! Rapunzel!
HOST B - OK! Great! Now in order to keep our Handsome Prince from seeing or hearing our young damsels, we tried to keep him isolated offstage in a soundproof dungeon. But he kept bribing the guards and escaping.
HOST A - So we gave him a blindfold and ear muffs and said it was a new invention called Virtual Reality, and it was about to start.
HOST B - He’s been waiting for half an hour.
HOST A - We’d like you to meet him right now, but he is not allowed to see the damsels until he makes his choice. Come out and join us, Prince!
(PRINCE ENTERS by being pushed on. He is stumbling, blind and deaf.)
HOST A - Hello, Prince. . . Uh, he can’t hear us.
(An offstage hand pulls off his ear muffs.)
Hello Prince!
PRINCE – Where am I? (stumbling into and out of the scene, bumping into things)
HOST B - We need to block the Damsel video stream from his computer, so he can take off his blindfold. (cup hand to ear) Master Control? Can you block his video? Thank you! Prince! You can take off your blindfold!
(PRINCE pulls off blindfold and squints at the light. Then he notices the computer and curiously, like a wild animal seeing a forest cam, curiously comes close to smell it.)
HOST B - The uneven development of technology is very handy.
HOST A - Welcome to The Damsel Game, Prince!
PRINCE – Aaaah! (Jumps back startled.) What witchcraft is this!
HOST B - Get with it, Prince! Welcome to the latest in scientific technology – the Zoom online game show.
HOST A - It is the latest thing! Like using leeches to cure disease!
PRINCE – Oh, oh, yeah, I knew about Zoomonnaly-gametoe. I was just joking. Hey! Where’s the chicks? I was promised chicks!
HOST A - Hold your horses, Princey, while we finish your introduction.
HOST B - Our lovely damsels are eager to see you as well!
PRINCE - Ooo -la-la! I can hardly wait! Because I’m not used to waiting. (runs his fingers or a comb through his hair in an Elvis-style swipe)
HOST A - Ha. ha. Have a seat, Princey, while we introduce you to our audience and our curious eager young ladies.
(PRINCE sits in front of his camera, and keeps making flirty faces and poses.)
HOST B - You’ve seen him at dance balls, you’ve seen him as a frog, you’ve heard of him in legend and song.
HOST A - His father the King wants him to get married and inherit the kingdom, but this bad boy just can’t settle down.
HOST B - Handsome Prince! What are you looking for, here on The Damsel Game?
PRINCE - I’m looking for love!
DAMSELS - Ohhhh! (swooning)
HOST A - Well, let’s get started. You have the questions you wrote earlier.
(PRINCE picks up cards in front of his computer.)
You can ask the damsels anything except their name and the size of their dowries.
PRINCE - Gotcha! (thumbs up)
DAMSELS (giggling as if embarrassed by a risqué question)
HOST B - You and the Damsel you choose will go on a dream date to Paris, France for the 1793 “Let’s Eat Cake” Street Festival and Uprising, as the special guests of Queen Marie Antoinette and King Louis (Looey) the 16th. Won’t that be fun!
DAMSELS - Oooooh! France!
HOST A - And the Prince will get the magic spell of his choice, performed by moi!
HOST B - And now Prince, the 1st Question, if you please!
PRINCE (reads card) - Hello, Damsel Numberrrr. . . . 2! What is your perfect first date?
CINDERELLA - Hello, Prince. My perfect first date is to go to a restaurant. A clean restaurant. Clean plates. Clean forks. Clean spoons. Clean tablecloth. Clean floor. Clean waiter!!! Everything clean clean clean clean!
HOST B - Next question!
PRINCE - Hello, Damsel # 1. What is your perfect first date?
SNOW WHITE - Hello, Prince. I like your voice. It is not squeaky.
PRINCE (voice cracking) - Thank you. (Clears throat. In deep voice:) Thank you.
SNOW WHITE - My perfect first date is to get a babysitter, so I can get out of the house!
PRINCE - Babysitter? How many little ones do you have?
SNOW WHITE (counting on fingers) - Hmmm... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 . . . . Oh, hardly any.
HOST B - Next question!
PRINCE - Damsel #3. What is your perfect first date?
RAPUNZEL - My perfect first date: I sing while you brush my hair.
PRINCE - Very nice. And then what?
RAPUNZEL - Braid it.
PRINCE - And then go to a movie?
RAPUNZEL - Well, . . . braiding takes all night.
PRINCE - All night?
HOST B - Next Question!
PRINCE - Damsel #2. Can I meet your family?
CINDERELLA - My stepsisters???
PRINCE - Stepsisters? Hmmm! Are they pretty?
CINDERELLA (furious) - No! No! No!
SNOW WHITE & RAPUNZEL - Prettier than you - sitting in the cinders! Ha ha ha!
CINDERELLA - Mind your own business. (spritzes her camera with or without water) Big Foots!
(EVERYONE wipes their faces as if sprayed.)
HOST A - Next Question!
PRINCE - Damsel #1. Are you a good cook?
SNOW WHITE - I can make apple pie.
PRINCE - Apple pie. Is it tasty?
CINDERELLA & RAPUNZEL - It’s to DIE FOR! (choke!) Ha ha ha!
SNOW WHITE - Say hello to my little friend! (jabs bird all directions) Peck them Tweetie!
(DAMSELS react to an imaginary attacking off camera bird.)
HOST A - That would make a good movie.
HOST B - Once film is invented.
HOST A - Next Question!
PRINCE - Damsel #3. You like your hair a LOT. What if I go bald?
RAPUNZEL (horrified) - Go bald? ... I’ll wear a blindfold!
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE - What if YOU go bald?
RAPUNZEL (horrified) - Bald? No! I love my hair!
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE - Ha ha ha!
RAPUNZEL - Watch out! (swings her braid threateningly) I know ponytail Kung Fu!
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE (hold up arms defensively) Eeek! Hey!
HOST B - (Rings a bell) Time’s up, Handsome Prince. You must now choose your damsel.
MUSIC: Jeopardy Think! music (30 sec.):
HOST A - The Handsome Prince has a hard decision to make. Besides the visit with his damsel to France for a demonstration of the latest in French technology, he will get the magic spell of his choice.
HOST B - Handsome Prince, what is your decision?
PRINCE - Do I have to choose?
HOST A - Yes, you have to choose.
PRINCE - I want to go home. Wait, I am home. How do I get you people out of my house?
HOST B - And disappoint these delightful ladies? Damsels, this is your last chance!
CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, RAPUNZEL (ad lib)- Choose me, Princey! Choose #1 - #2 - #3
HOST A - The whole world is watching. Now choose!
PRINCE - Ohhhhhh... I choose numberrrrrr . . . (Music ends: pick 1, 2 or 3)
(Applause! Winner Damsel jumps up and down happy. Other Damsels are mad.)
HOST B - Excellent choice! Now, Prince, first we will reveal to you the Damsels you did not choose. Presenting, Damsels number _____ & ______.
(UNPICKED DAMSELS lean closer and see the Prince for the first time and are shocked and mad.)
UNPICKED DAMSELS - Charming! Is that you???
PRINCE - Oops.
HOST B - And revealing the Damsel you did choose!
WINNER DAMSEL - Prince Charming! My husband! You ran away!
DAMSELS (turning all directions at each other) - He’s my husband! He’s my husband!
PRINCE - Cinderella? Snow White? Rapunzel? Why aren’t you at home doing housework?
CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, RAPUNZEL - Grrrrrr!!!
PRINCE - Eeeek!
(PRINCE pushes back in his chair, either rolling chair back or knocking it backwards, stands and acts as if yelled at from all sides.)
(DAMSELS are yelling all at once.)
CINDERELLA - So, this is why you are never at home! Out gallivanting around!
SNOW WHITE - You said I was the only one. How can you treat me like this?
RAPUNZEL - Wait until I tell your mother The Queen. She will be very unhappy.
PRINCE – Uh – uh – Well I - This is very - um - I can explain -- In fact um - things may not be as they appear – um – um – how about – um
DAMSELS – Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…….
HOST A - I think I know what the Prince wants for his magic spell.
Hocus Crocus Frogtastic! Zap!!!
PRINCE - Oh! (Grabs belly as if he is sick, spins, and drops out of sight. DAMSELS look curiously.
Suddenly a toy Frog or puppet Frog pops up in the Prince’s place.)
RAPUNZEL - Oh, no! Look! He’s turned into a frog!
(DAMSELS squint and look at frog.)
CINDERELLA – Not again!
SNOW WHITE – He always does that to get out of trouble, or out of doing chores.
DAMSELS - Yeah. (nodding)
RAPUNZEL - Hey! Let’s dump this loser and go to a shadow theater movie! Meet you at the Maypole Galleria!
CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, RAPUNZEL - Girls Night Out! (Jump up and EXIT off camera.)
HOST B - Princey! You can come out now.
PRINCE (rises, and tosses frog aside) - Are they gone? Thanks.
HOST A - I thought you’d appreciate that particular spell.
HOST B - Girls always fall for it.
(MUSIC: Dating Game Theme: )
HOST A - So, Lords and Ladies, and the Rabble in the Rafters,
HOST B - Join us again next week for The Damsel Game!
(HOSTS start to wave and walk off camera)
OFFSTAGE - (Applause)
PRINCE – Hey, wait!! Do I still get the trip to France?
HOST A - Of course!
(HOST pulls out tickets and hands them off screen. PRINCE reaches off screen and takes tickets.)
Have a good time.
HOST B - Au Revoir! (Ah Rev-wah) (EXITS)
PRINCE [to audience]- Oh, boy! I’m gonna visit that new theme park - The Bastille! (EXITS)
(ACTORS return to camera frame for BOWS as music continues.)
--Hosts
--Prince
--Damsels
OFFSTAGE VOICE or HOST - "The Dating Game theme song" is composed by Charles Hirsch Barris and David N. Mook. Jeopardy's "Think" music is composed by Merv Griffin.
Both are used here as parody, which is an exception to copyright law.
The Damsel Game, by Jeannette Jaquish is a parody of The Dating Game.
Find more of her scripts at theater fun scripts dot com.
Thank you and have a happy ever after!
(c)2013 - 2020 Jeannette Jaquish